Dan Collins is a proud high school graduate and well on his way to graduating college in slightly less time than it took for Chris Farley to do so in the movie Tommy Boy. He enjoys sleeping, eating, drinking, and somehow literally nothing else. None of us at Delusional Suspects have ever actually seen him in person, as he conducts all business over email. The odds of him being fictitious stand at about 3-1 and are increasing every day he doesn’t show up to work in person.

 

Stephen Beck is an actual, professional writer. We were able to poach him from The New York Times and we have absolutely no idea what inspired him to make such an asinine career choice. Despite being the best writer on the staff by far, Stephen is ever on the verge of being fired for being hated by every single one of his peers. Interestingly enough, no one can pin down why they just hate Stephen, just that they know they do. Thus, he is subject to ridicule on a daily basis. Fuck you, Stephen.

 

Mad Mike is neither funny nor is he a writer. He is, however, a brand of fat, sweaty, unadulterated hate that only comes around every few hundred years, so it would be a travesty for us to not be around to publish every idiotic, poorly thought out, and nonsensical thought that spills out of his fat face.

 

Jimmy Rippert is one of the founding members of Delusional Suspects and his credentials end there.  Despite being one of the least original comedic writers in the company, he consistently tries to call meetings and unsurprisingly no one ever shows up.  He’s the leader that nobody needs nor asked for; he’s basically the Michael Scott of the Delusional Suspects, minus the authority and humor… So I guess he’s nothing like Michael Scott.

 

Bradley Mitchum (Aka “Silver Fox” due to the fact that his hair went gray at the age of eleven) hates the internet, yet you can rarely find him not browsing the web.  He knows more about internet culture than most bloggers do, solely so that when he makes fun of them, he can never be proven wrong.   We found Bradley after he littered our comment section on every article, calling us out when we “Use a meme wrong” or “Don’t know the name of the guy who makes the ‘Will it blend?’ videos,” yet he consistently ended his page long comments with “But at the end of the day internet culture is fucking stupid,” so naturally we hired him.