Articles

June 7, 2017

         

              Stop me if you’ve ever heard anyone ever say something positive about a chicken…. That’s what I thought, because no one ever has. If you’re calling someone a chicken, you’re saying they’re a coward. If you are telling a joke about a chicken, it’s probably about it crossing the road and is awful. If you say something tastes like chicken, you a...

October 11, 2016

               To start out with the obvious, The Office is a great show. In terms of all-time sitcom hierarchy, I would go 1. Arrested Development 2. Peep Show (a British sitcom I would strongly recommend) 3. The Office 4. Seinfeld, followed by a Grand Canyon sized quarry, after which the rest of sitcoms (i.e. Friends, 30 Rock, Parks and Rec, etc.) can be debated. Critics of The Office might argue that, as a rema...

November 9, 2015

       

 

        If I could come back to live the life of any person in history, Chuck Lorre, the creator of Two and a Half Men and The Big Bang Theory, would have to crack the top ten. For going on twenty years, fans by the tens of millions a week have been overjoyed to allow Lorre to spew hot liquid garbage into their homes to the extent that he has a net worth of $600 million. It’s...

July 9, 2015

 

Ever wonder whether you could have dated Gandhi or Amelia Earhart? Or Hitler? Well, today is your lucky day. Their long hidden online dating profiles have finally been uncovered, exclusively at DelusionalSuspects.com 

 

 

Hitler

 

Interests: Long walks across Europe, facial hair maintenance, public speaking, painting, eugenics, mass extermination.

Dislikes:  Russia, smoking, drinking, eating meat, Jews.

Looking For: A t...

 

 

Uber, Instagram and Snapchat are household names thanks to the success of their apps.  The apps listed below aren't so well known, for obvious reasons.  

 

1.) The Rock Identifier App

Pros: With one point and click this app can correctly identify any rock by type.  You can use this knowledge to try to impress your friends 

 

Cons: If you think knowing every different type of rock type is impressive, yo...

June 19, 2015

The two murderers who escaped from a New York prison last week remain at large. If you encounter them, do not follow the advice I gave in last week’s edition of Breaking News, as it turns out those were tips on how to avoid bear attacks.

 

The Chicago Blackhawks defeated the Tampa Bay Lightning to win their third Stanley Cup in six years. This excited Chicago’s fans, especially those under the impression that five h...

June 12, 2015

We know that reading a newspaper sucks, so get your news from us instead.

 

This week in world news:

 

 

On Saturday, two convicted murderers escaped from the Clinton Correctional facility in Dannemora, New York. If you happen to see these men or even just happen to live in that area, remember these survival tips:

  • Remain calm and avoid sudden movements.

  • Give the murderer plenty of room, allowing it to continue...

 

Have you ever just lustfully looked at a cartoon and thought to yourself "Damn, the things I would do to that animation"....yeah me neither *wink* BUT if I did here would be my list of all time hottest cartoons:

 

 

Deborah "Debbie" Thornberry - Wild Thornberrys
 

 

Pros:  This well traveled young bombshell has a sassy persona that keeps everyone on their toes.  She has a handicapped younger brother which lets yo...

May 28, 2015

Lost Dog: 

 

Answers to Jake (sometimes)

 

Appearance: Large (especially in comparison to a child) with dark, black fur. Has big, sharp teeth and powerful legs

 

Attributes: Violent, aggressive, with a wicked demeanor

 

If Found: Please call the police, who can in turn contact us. Do not try to approach him because he will maul you, possibly to death.

 

Reward: The satisfaction that comes with knowing that as soon as Jake i...

May 26, 2015

 

In the next few months Delta Airlines, America's least favorite airline, will be showing a new safety video before every flight, that appeals, or at least tries to appeal, to millennials by using internet memes.  This video would be humorous and topical if it were 2008.  Here we are going to break down the video scene by scene.  I recommend watching the video below before reading this article, or don't, I really...

Older Posts >

Please reload

  • Twitter Social Icon
  • YouTube Social  Icon
  • Facebook Social Icon