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Delusional Suspects Weekly News Report

We know that reading a newspaper sucks, so get your news from us instead.

This week in world news:

On Saturday, two convicted murderers escaped from the Clinton Correctional facility in Dannemora, New York. If you happen to see these men or even just happen to live in that area, remember these survival tips:

  • Remain calm and avoid sudden movements.

  • Give the murderer plenty of room, allowing it to continue its activities undisturbed. If it changes its behavior, you're too close so back away.

  • If you see a murderer but the murderer doesn't see you, detour quickly and quietly.

  • If a murderer spots you, try to get its attention while it is still farther away. You want it to know you're human so talk in a normal voice and waive your arms.

  • Remember that a standing murderer is not always a sign of aggression. Many times, murderers will stand to get a better view.

  • Never feed or throw food to a murderer.

  • If a murderer does attack you, play dead.

  • Remember to tie all your belongings up and hang them in a tree so the murderers do not eat all of your supplies.

Bruce Jenner received enormous praise after posing in “Vanity Fair” under her new identity, Caitlyn Jenner. Unfortunately, controversy arose after Caitlyn Jenner won an ESPY that many believed Army veteran Noah Galloway deserved more. Among those critical of the ESPY’s was Bob Costas, who improved to 47-1 lifetime in fights against straw men, including denouncing racism, genocide, and once by literally beating up a scarecrow. His one lifetime loss is against patriotism, which as we all know gives him pink eye.

Jerry Seinfeld said in an interview that he does not tour colleges anymore because college students do not understand racism and sexism; even saying that political correctness is “creepy.” This shocked many people, mostly because they were unaware that Seinfeld was still touring at all, let alone doing colleges. College students responded with confusion as well, saying, “Is that the guy from that tv show my parents insist I should like?”

FIFA, in the wake of its enormous scandal concerning bribery, released a movie entitled ‘United Passions’ which was greeted with disdain jerk off gestures, and only $319 on opening day. FIFA officials were perplexed upon receiving the check, as they are used to receiving money only in the form of briefcases full of cash.

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