Ever wonder whether you could have dated Gandhi or Amelia Earhart? Or Hitler? Well, today is your lucky day. Their long hidden online dating profiles have finally been uncovered, exclusively at DelusionalSuspects.com
Hitler
Interests: Long walks across Europe, facial hair maintenance, public speaking, painting, eugenics, mass extermination.
Dislikes: Russia, smoking, drinking, eating meat, Jews.
Looking For: A tall, blonde, blue-eyed, bombshell. No fatties. No Jews.
Abraham Lincoln
Interests: Beards, hats, wrestling, honesty, the Union.
Dislikes: Slavery, theatre, school.
Looking For: A beard to put an end to the rumors that I’m gay just because I often share a bed with young boys.
Gandhi
Likes: Nonviolent protest, sexy eyewear, toga parties.
Dislikes: Food, violence, drinking, food again.
Looking For: A young, attractive woman to sleep next to. Not to have sex with, but to test my commitment to chastity.
Amelia Earhart
Likes: The Wright Brothers, aviation, boys’ haircuts, hide-and-go seek.
Dislikes: Large bodies of water, Charles Lindbergh, search parties.
Looking For: Someone to find my body so my spirit can finally rest.
Martin Luther King Jr.
Likes: Marching, public speaking, dreaming
Dislikes: guns, J. Edgar Hoover, nightmares
Looking For: A woman who can keep her mouth shut and not tell my wife.
