April 17, 2019

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October 28, 2015

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If Notices Up In Your Neighborhood Were Honest

May 28, 2015

Lost Dog: 

 

Answers to Jake (sometimes)

 

Appearance: Large (especially in comparison to a child) with dark, black fur. Has big, sharp teeth and powerful legs

 

Attributes: Violent, aggressive, with a wicked demeanor

 

If Found: Please call the police, who can in turn contact us. Do not try to approach him because he will maul you, possibly to death.

 

Reward: The satisfaction that comes with knowing that as soon as Jake is retuned to us, we will be putting him down and the knowledge that a hellish, bloodthirsty savage will be off the streets. 

 

Band (The Mid-Life Crises) In Need Of Drummer

 

Do you play the drums? More importantly, looking for an excuse to get away from your wife and for a couple hours? If so, join the Mid-Life Crises. We meet up once a week to drink beer and play terrible music. This band will never make it big or even make it small, but it will at least give people the impression that your life is not completely devoid of meaning. Not convinced? Our band practice is in our bassist’s basement bar, which has been permanently fully stocked since his wife started her affair. 

 

Lost Hamster

 

Answers to: Nothing, because it’s a stupid fucking hamster

 

Look, I’m gonna level with you. My kid’s hamster died while he was at school and I didn’t have the heart to tell him. So I threw it in the trash and told my son it ran away, hoping that would be the end of it. Unfortunately, my son decided that he now gives a shit about his pet (unlike when it was here and he never remembered to feed it, so I always had to) and wanted to put posters up all over town. My kid can’t read, so I’ve put these up in hopes he’ll forget and move on and I’ll never have to tell him his hamster died. …. Fine. I killed the hamster. Is that what you wanted to hear? It smelled like shit and my son kept leaving it out of its cage to shit on my floor, so I smothered it until it died. Happy now?

 

If you could not relay any of this to my son, it would be greatly appreciated. 

 

 

 Dan Collins is co-founder of DelusionalSuspects.com and a professional college student.  You can find him on twitter @DanThe_Plumber and you can try to find him on Instagram, he's not there, but you can try.  

 

 

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