In the next few months Delta Airlines, America's least favorite airline, will be showing a new safety video before every flight, that appeals, or at least tries to appeal, to millennials by using internet memes. This video would be humorous and topical if it were 2008. Here we are going to break down the video scene by scene. I recommend watching the video below before reading this article, or don't, I really don't give a shit.
0:00-0:04: We open to "Keyboard Cat" (Uploaded in 2007) which sets the tone that this "Internet themed" video was created by a group of Baby Boomers who think they're hip because they watch 'Ellen' twice a week.
0:14-0:15: A mysterious vagabond somehow snuck onto this flight, that's pretty interesting I guess, maybe I wrote off this commercial too early.
0:15-0:21: Oh It's just double rainbow guy (Uploaded 5 years ago), fuck you, Delta
0:23-0:26: Cut to someone putting an orange under the seat in front of them, which is probably the worst place to put fruit, and the fruit then saying "This is so demeaning." After some research I found out this thing is called "annoying orange", which was originally uploaded in 2010. I tried to watch one of these videos, but had to stop after the idea of cutting off my ears sounded like a pleasant alternative to finishing it.
0:47-0:58: Then we turn to what looks like a Quiznos worker and M. Night Shyamalan talking about a fire exit. Honest to God I have no idea who these people are, I guess I am not as hip as I thought I was, or Delta just threw in two random ass people to make themselves look more hip than everyone else. Either way, you win this round Delta.
1:01-1:14: The "History of Dance" guy (Uploaded in 2006) shows us how to do the easiest thing in the world, put on the airplane seatbelt. Usually I would make fun of Delta for using a nine-year-old video, but honestly I'm impressed that this guy has been able to pull a steady income out of a six-minute video that he made in a year where Taylor Hicks was more of a household name than Taylor Swift.
1:24-1:30: Next is Gavin Free from the "Slo-Mo Guys." Credit to Delta for finally using a Youtube channel that is just hitting their peak now. My problem with this is that he eating gummy bears out of a nice bowl. Despite my best efforts, I've been on a few Delta Flights and never have they offered me a bowl full of gummy bears or I would order that on every flight.
1:40-1:44: The year was 2012, memes were just becoming a thing and the Harlem Shake was going around like Brazzers account passwords in a college frat house. At one point in February of 2013 four thousand Harlem Shake videos were being uploaded to Youtube PER DAY. Fast Forward three years and Delta is still using it to appeal to twenty-somethings.
1:59-2:13: Delta does the usual "Here are the emergency exits in case the plot of 'Cast Away' unfolds on this flight" and honestly they use a pretty clean and modern graphic to show these exits off, but that's not the issue. The issue is that the graphic is shown on a Mac web browser with bookmarks that include: "Fun inventions", "Pups & Kitten videos", "Grandma's Blog" and "Happy Thoughts." Which leads me to conclude that this computer is owned by a 45 year old depressed safety enthusiast who has a century old grandma that manages her own blog. Honestly that sounds like a pretty interesting person, I want a safety video starring that person.
2:23-2:26: The "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" banana is seen dancing in the airplane aisle. You remember the Peanut Butter Jelly Time banana from 2002, as made famous on ebaumsworld.com? To make things clear, if you're 21-26 years old, which is who this video is targeting, you were in elementary school when this video came out.
2:44-3:05: We see two young children reacting to emergency oxygen masks being dropped down in front of them. The older child immediately puts the mask on while the younger child, who is clearly big enough to reach the mask, stares blankly in front of him seemingly accepting his fate; which adds up considering that he probably had to watch this safety video before take-off and realized that humanity is doomed.
We then see the older brother force the mask upon the child only to have him bite the older brother's finger and reveal to us that they are the "Charlie bit my finger kids" from 2008. Charlie is then seen depressingly starring blankly at the ground remembering that this is not a real airplane and that he will survive this ordeal and be forced to continue to live in a world where his parents drag him from one bullshit commercial to another trying to make him extend their early retirement.
3:20-3:26: Just in case you just woke up and still don't know that this video is Internet themed, they put a mouse cursor over human hand opening a life jacket. The purpose of this is to block the passengers from seeing how exactly to open the life jacket package, so Delta can harbor the organs of their deceased passengers (I presume)
3:27-3:50: Some random flight attendant shows off how to properly inflate a life jacket, he is all business and does the one thing a safety video is supposed to do, show off the safety features of the airplane. He is hands down my favorite part of this video.
3:51-3:53: They fucking ruin the one reassurance that Delta actually cares about their safety measures by adding the "Overly Attached Girlfriend"
3:59-4:04: My once favorite flight attendant is seen replicating the ALS Ice Bucket challenge on the flight, because there is nothing classier than trivializing a fundraising idea that combats a life ruining disease. Fuck you random flight attendant, you're dead to me.
4:06-4:11: I REGRET EVEYTHING I JUST SAID PLEASE PUT THE RANDOM FLIGHT ATTENDENT BACK ON THE SCREEN. I BEG YOU, DELTA.
4:14-4:19: Delta transitions from the nightmare CGI baby and shows a hamster eating a burrito, which is a viral video from the last year, so hats off to you Delta, you've successfully included one semi-recent viral video.
4:20-4:31: Next up is Nyan Cat, which is apparently so popular that they use it as the thumbnail for this safety video. Delta's marketing team loves nyan cat and wants you to know be aware of that fact.
4:31-4:36: Here we have the Doge meme, the broken English speaking dog. Let's just say you're a nervous flyer and you don't browse the internet for 78% of your day like me; how would it feel to see this right before take-off after watching four and a half minutes of random people not telling you how to survive a crash?
4:36-4:46: We end this nightmare with a pilot giving us one last message before pulling out a pack of mentos as he forces a smile remembering his days in the military, back when he made a difference and didn't have to fly a generation that can only focus on information, that could save their pathetic lives, if presented to them by their internet "celebrities"
The video ends and people, for the first time in human history, are excited for the in flight entertainment of "Fever Pitch" to start so that they can soon forget what they just watched. I can't wait for someone to get hurt on a Delta flight and sue the shit out of Delta because they couldn't understand the safety material presented in this video. Fuck you Delta, Fuck you so hard.
Bradley Mitchum is a featured columnist for Delusional Suspects and clearly not an optimist. He is "too cool" for social media so if you want to show support for him follow @DelSuspects on twitter and like us on Facebook.